Good At You (Melanie Hersch)

After years and years of thinking I wasn't finding love because there was a lack of quality men out there

-- it finally hit me:

Is it possible that the lack of success in my romantic life might actually have something to do with ME (gulp) --- and less to do with there being a lack of great guys out there??

I mean, if the only thing that all of my unsuccessful relationships had in common was ME....then perhaps I needed to start looking a little deeper at myself -- and a little less at those vision boards ;-)

And being the personal growth junkie that I am.....I did just that. 

I'm not going to lie -- it took me a LONG time to do the work I needed to do and to have the breakthroughs I needed to have. I read more books then I ever dreamed possible related to dating, relationships, communication, attachment styles, sexuality, love addiction, co-dependency, couples work and masculine/feminine polarity. I attended every workshop that I could ---  studied with incredible masters in the field --- and even ended up going to grad school and becoming a psychotherapist in the process.

From the practical side to the spiritual side -- I was 100% committed to understanding love, the dynamics between men and women and figuring out exactly what was holding me back from having the great relationship I desired. 

I used myself as my own personal guinea pig -- applying everything I was learning to my own love life. I mined every experience I had in the dating world for the nuggets of wisdom and teachings that they had to offer. 

(And let me tell you -- I faltered quite a bit!) 

And while it didn't happen overnight.....over time, I noticed that my love life had completely transformed.

I also realized that dating and relationships had turned out to be the greatest vehicles in my own personal growth and evolution.

Each experience I had in the dating world led me to understand an important aspect of myself on an even deeper level, and taught me invaluable lessons about relationships and the dynamics between men and women. What I noticed is that over time -- as I continued to do this work -- I had inadvertently grown into the most peaceful, clear, and grounded version of myself that I'd ever been. And as I stepped into this highest version of myself -- what I discovered is that what I was feeling on the inside began to be reflected back to me on the outside as well -- in my love life. As I grew and evolved -- I noticed that the men who were showing up were changing. It seemed that who I was now "being" was suddenly attracting in a whole new caliber of partners.

No longer was I attracting in so-so connections or wasting time with men that weren't good for me.

The caliber of the men I was drawing in had completely changed.

Because the truth was.... I had completely changed. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm some enlightened being who has it all figured out. Far from it.

And I'm also not saying that you need to completely change who you are to draw in a great partner.

Absolutely not.

But what I will tell you is that after spending over two decades in and out of the dating world, and struggling to find a great partner -- it was an incredible experience to finally get that how I was showing up and who I was being (consciously and unconsciously) was having a direct impact on the quality of men that were showing up in my life. 

To realize that I'd been the one in the drivers seat all along -- controlling the outcome the whole time -- that was a major eye opener for me!

(And here -- all along -- I thought it was the lack of great men out there!) 

I'm still amazed to this day at how quickly and easily love came in as soon as I moved through some beliefs that were holding me back and shifted some key perspectives that I had around dating and relationships.

The best part was  -- after applying the things I learned to the singles and couples I was working with in my psychotherapy practice and also with my eHarmony clients....I started to see that what I learned wasn't just transformative for me -- but was genuinely making a deep impact in my clients' love lives as well. As I delighted in watching single woman after single woman in my private practice start to partner up with incredible matches  -- I  knew that this was the work I was called to do.  

While it took me a long time to figure this stuff out -- it definitely doesn't have to take you as long. With some investigation and inquiry into your beliefs and patterns and an openness to explore what's blocking you, change can literally be right around the corner. 

The good news is that it starts with YOU.